Insomnia

The last time I fell asleep before 2 am must have been while I was still out at UMass. That would mean for the past week and a half, I have been an insomniac. Now this is partly because the Massachusetts FFA State Convention was this past week and being a state officer I was required to pass up on sleep to ensure a successful convention for our members. All in all, I would say we were succesful in doing that. It ran smoothly with only minor bumps and obstacles.
This year I decided to re-run for an officer position once again. Wednesday morning rolled in, and just as I remember the exact moment I was elected, I will always remember the exact moment the last name was announced and I cried in front of almost 400 people because I was not chosen to serve another year.
Yes, I cried. I cried like a little baby. I was ushered out a side door into a kitchen and comforted by a state staff member, my former chapter advisor, my cousin who is a member, and my best friend who is a member. I probably stayed in that kitchen crying and too ashamed to leave for a good 10 minutes. I was hurt, and confused, and angry... and most of all I was embarassed.
However, I knew I faced a choice. I could turn bitter and angry, or I could walk back out with my head held high remembering all the amazing things this organization has done for me. I chose the later. I was hugged by so many people when I walked out of that kitchen. The very people who chose not to slate me came up to me crying. The new team gave me loving hugs, also crying, and telling me how much I deserve a position. My advisor gave me a huge hug and made it very clear to me this in no way meant I did a bad job. I got that from everyone. And what did I say to every single person? "I'm not done. Don't feel bad for me." I told every single person that in 362 days I would be back to try again, and that is exactly what I plan on doing. I stayed while the new team trained and laughed with them and had fun with them and made the best of the little time I had left with this group of people. I only hope they have stopped feeling bad for me and are ready to do all the amazing things I know they are capable of.
I started out last year saying, "If I can leave knowing I influenced even just one member, I will be happy." This statement holds true. Am I sad? Yes. More sad than I have ever been in my entire life if I can be perfectly honest on here. I have truly never felt so low.
BUT! That statement. That statement that I started the year off with... Well... Among the hugs and teary eyed people trying to console me after my upset were two young ladies from my chapter. They gave me big hugs, and through a mess of tears I tried to tell them how much they mean to me. I wasn't able to convey that message well enough and I am stopping by their high school tomorrow to explain it better, but these two young ladies have made this year the most fulfilling year of my life! I was told numerous times by them that they did not have a role model until they met me. I was told numerous times they want to be like me someday. Words can not descrive the way that makes me feel! Did I get re-elected? No. But I did impact at least these two young ladies in the year I did get to serve. And for them, I am staying strong and positive. I want to show them and teach them not only to be kind in victory, by gracious in defeat. You are only a failure when you give up and stop trying. I want them to take this one last lesson from me. And I want them to know as much as I have impacted them, they have impacted me.
As far as this next year goes... well my college has a chapter which is currently inactive, and I plan on changing that. I have been doing research and making preparations to return in the fall and make the UMass a strong chapter in the MA FFA Association. And then when convention time rolls around, you better believe there will be an application with my name on it! Why? I'm sure people will ask me that. Because if you're running for State Office, there should be two reasons: The FFA still has something to offer you, and you still have something to offer the members. I'm not done being molded, and I'm not done sharing the things that I have learned with the members. I will not stop. I will not give up. I have not failed. This is not the end, it is merely a crossroad. I can use this year to make myself an even stronger individual by remaining positive, or I can accept defeat and turn my back on an organization which has never turned it's back on me. Well I'm not about to become a bitter and angry person. I love the FFA. I will continue loving the FFA. And I will accept all obstacles God sets before me knowing He has a plan for me, and I am on a path that will lead to happiness.

Still smiling,
respectfully,
me